16th May

I think those few days of emptiness in this blog  I've been properly depressed. You only realise you've been depressed because it feels like a bubble's popped and you're eyes are open to the world and you care about yourself again and realise you are you.

So today I went to Brinley's house. I saw pictures of him when he was anorexic. It was horrible, I never even saw his bare chest or anything he had clothes on in all the pictures but it was unreal. His face ended about half a centimetre each side of his lips like were like a skull. His face didn't look like his. I cried a little bit but I tried not to let him see it.

Afterwords we talked about mental stuff and I told him about when I had my sickness phobia and wanted to kill myself in Octobor a few years ago when I was sick because I was having non-stop panic attacks.

I told him everyone has something mental going on inside them to some extent.

So after that huge talk I went to sleep because of emotional drainage and we woke up and boned and I felt very close to him.

On the way home I let out all my crying from before when I saw the pictures. The worst one was him with his 15th birthday cake, a jelly with a 15th candle sticking out and his skull-face looking at it. I cried so much I used up a packet of tissues.

Day 48/367

I slept in till 2pm cuddling Sunny and dreaming that I had a fossil amonite in my ear that had flesh grown around it so I had to go to the doctors to get antibiotics to get it out.

Eilidh came round to do some art homework but we only did a paragraph. We went to Tesco on the way to Eilidh's curling and I bought a red heart cushion (I'm trying to make my room girlier) and two £1 packs of Thornton's chocolate selections which were all minging.

I started feeling great later, I did my Anorexia essay and painted my nails with two whole coats and even straightened my hair. This weekend's been a great confidence boost.
I texted Jacob 'Guess what I used ;)' as I had used my vibrator for the first time properly this morning. I instantly regretted telling him because he started asking endless questions about it and probably wanking. I'm going to buy his fleshlight soon so that'll make him happy.

Day 43/367

I had this weird-ass dream that the gorgeous Latvian Boy threw this clod of grass at me and it made my scaffold fall off (in real life you have to unscrew the little ball and slide it out). I had French next and begged my French teacher to let me go and find it. He sort of lay his head on top of my head and said no.

We've got this tall maths teacher. When I say tall I mean gigantic. I come up to about his bicep (I'm 5'5) and he has to bend to get in the doorway, and even then he stoops when he stands. If he stood up next to a door he'd be about a head taller than the top of the frame.

I think I should rephrase my essay question to 'Does writing an essay about anorexia influence the writer to become anorexic?' I've started getting real worried about my weight. I weighed myself today and I'm about 1 segment on the scale over 9 stone. Ideally I'd like to be 8 stone but I've sort of pleateaud. The only way I can break this is by eating 400-800 calories a day and going to the gym three times a week, but this leads to tiredness and dismotivation from schoolwork. It's pants because it can only go one way or another: Education or Skinniness. Holidays are an ideal time to get slim.

Tomorrow I'm going to bake a chocolate cake for Jacob and also a cheesecake for Saturday. Oh god, I'm going to have to try REALLY hard not to munch them...

Day 42/367

We get to choose what topic our english essay's going to be on. I chose anorexia, and did some research. Some of the stuff I found online, the 'tips' to help people become anorexic are actually disturbing. Most of them talk about how 'Don't look in the fridge. Are you going to listen to Ana? She's always watching you...'
Crazy, crazy stuff.

Whenever I sleep during the day I forget what's happened earlier that day. SO annoying! 'specially for writing this blawwg.

I hope the sleepover goes as planned. My whole group of friends have sort of turned against Shannon. Including me now, today I said I thought foundation lips were minging (she agrees with me when it's just me and her) but because her wee pal was there she was like 'Well I think scaffolding in your ear is absolutely disgusting'. She said she thought it was cool before. I hate how people can change if their other little friendies are around them. Ugh.