23rd May

I was meant to go up town today but it was such shit weather outside I slept in till about 12.

Mum's still not on proper talking terms with me. I'm not going to cave. I meant what I said.

Brinley came round and we went to the gym and I'm starting to enjoy it, woowoo!
I've lost two balls off both my wrist piercings. Meh.

So we came back and chatted for ages about pubic hair and he gave me a massage and we talked about sex and getting pressured. I realised that I had been pressured with the Ex. It left me with a weird feeling.

I've eaten between 800-900 calories today and my stomach's making funny noises. I'td be better if I ate between 600-800 but oh well. I'm getting an 18 calorie icelolly.

Day 107/367

Me and Brinley were very close to sex today. The only thing stopping it was my hand covering. Crazy shit. I wore my sexy red thong and felt sexy in it. He made me orgasm 2 times from fingering.

I had a dream I cheated on Brinley with the Ex. I felt disgusted at myself all day. I really don't  like the Ex.

I feel really weird right now. I feel ugly. Brinley's friends apprently said 'paperbag' when he first went out with me. That makes me want to get a hot body even more to have at least one good thing about. Feel like such an emo right now. Weird feeling of wanting to be emo and cut. WTF? I don't even do that.

I don't usually care what people say about me. I mean, someone said I looked like a rat on formspring and I wasn't even bothered.

I don't know why that got to me so much. Probably because I thought I liked Brinley's friends. He said they took it back when they saw me and said I was hot and had good boobs.
Maybe I'm just having a mood swing.

I still havn't done any revision. It's Brinley's fault because if I hadn't gone out with him then I'd've been revising all holiday.

Ugh.

Day 100/367

The 100th day.

I need to enrich this blog with more stuff that happens, but normally I write it just when I'm about to go to bed.

So approximately half a year of no action I give a BJ and get poked 2 times all in one day.

I'm in love.(I said I love you for the first time too today) Brinley is SO much more masculine and overally more HOT than the Ex ever was. And he's got a bigger shlong. And he said I was good at BJs. (his last girlfriend's braces got caught on him apparently. That doesn't really say if I am good at BJs or not but oh well.)

I look like a victim of domestic abuse because I have 5 raging hickeys on my boobs.

I broke the black shag band.

Black = Sex.

Day 89/367

Most of today was depressing, I felt really tired and I missed Brinley loads. I did some revision and went to sleep. I talked to the Ex and he was way depresso (sorry for spending a whole year dissapointing you etc.) so I was comforting him and said don't you dare wallow in self pity because at some points we did have a good relationship and stuff. I told him how I initally fancied him as he put himself across as confident and interesting over the internet and he said oh cheers.

Ugh I'm annoyed at mum- she wont let me go out and meet Brinley when he's arriving back from Ornkey at 10pm (which is pretty late but still).

Day 75/367

Its completely mental outside. I slept for ages untill 11 o clock which was dandy. Me and Mum walked Sunny outside in the gale and then went to Tesco and bought loads of food (and two hoodies for me! Woot woot!)

I had a very productive day of tidying my room AND cleaning my rat out. I feel really happy apart from my minging running nose because of the cold I cought from going to the showies yesterday.

I watched Crufts and the Ex kept going on about he wanted a husky and a collie. This really pisses me off because he has this stupid idea in his mind about dogs that they're going to be perfect 'loyal companions' as soon as you get them. I told him it's not all to do with what the dog looks like. He replied-

'Is that how you convinced yourself to get sunny? XD'

Fuck him. That REALLY pissed me off. It's like adopting a disabled kid and telling someone how it's not just appearance and what's on the outside and then them saying 'is that how you convinced yourself...'

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's just because this is the time I'd usually have my period if I wasn't on the pill.

 I didn't text him back. I didn't even say hi on MSN and gave him one-word answers.

Day 74/367

Tonight was lovely. The weather was completely mental, it was freezing wind with sideways rain. We went to the showies though which was super!

There wasn't a lot of people there so the guy operating the Miami did a magic trick for us and made the Miami stop for ages at the top and then go crazy-fast. I borrowed mum's camera and that took some good(ish) photos of us which was good.

I told the Ex he looked sexy in this red shirt he was wearing. Ahh, I'd bone that boy.

When we dropped Shannon off at home mum rajjed at me for how 'casual' I am when I'm around friends. She said sorry for it later though which was lovely.

Day 73/367

I dreamed it was Sunday this morning and slept in. I was way annoyed at this because we'd be doing softball outside in PE today.

I was happy all day today which was good. I always can't remember what happens when I'm writing my blog which is annoying. During Bollywood dancing tonight I started missing the Ex's body and me scratching his back during sexy times.

Me and him finally had the talk I've been wanting to do for ages, about if maybe us could get back together.
I think it would be possible for a few reasons and he said (well he didn't say but he didnt disagree) that it could work, but none of us had the money and he didn't have the time.

Day 72/367

I got called pathetic, bone idle and lazy all in one day today by my teachers. Happy days!

Today was good though, I got lots of sleep so it was just dandy. After school Jacob gave me a demonstration of his fleshlight (It kind of actually feels like a vagina on the inside) and it made me realise how much I miss sexy times with the Ex. Ahh!

Day 70/367

Wow day 70!

I ate like a FAT SHITHOLE today. I drank a litre of strawberry milkshake (I told Mum I poured it away), 2x dairylea dunkers, a chocolate praline egg, a twirl, noodles and a cereal bar.

I feel fat.

I painted my nails neon with purple lightningbolts and blue dots which is pretty epic. I wish I could do it to my right hand though.

I WANT TO GO OUT WITH THE EX. I keep imagining hugging him and kissing him and everything! Argh!

That girl Lauren who thinks she has big boobs pissed me off again today. She was taking a raj at this other girl Shannon for 'throwing her life away' and 'shagging everyone' (Shannon has a boyfriend and has had for quite a few months) then she went on to say that 'no boy wants to go out with me because I'm so tight, all boys only have one thing on their mind'. Hey Lauren, I don't know what sort of relationships you've had. Oh wait. You havn't had any.

This really pissed me off, it was like saying anyone who'd had a boyfriend or had had sex was throwing their life away and was a complete sadass. Urgh.

Day 69/367

I took loads of black and white underwear pictures of me. I put my webcam on my light which was pretty epic.

The Ex asked me what I was up to  and I said taking photos. He called me vain. I hate that boy. Stuff like that makes me feel too bad to put any pictures I take of myself on Facebook or anything.

Mum's in a really weird mood which is a pain in the ass.

I think I fancy the Gamer.

Day 67/367

Showies.

The gorgeous Latvian went on  my lap on the tugada. I jizzed a bit. I also did a tiny pee on the miami when it whooshed down (I'm such a pussy I couldnt breath on it at the start cos my throat tightened up so I had to do breathing techniques to enjyo it)

I fell off the tugada as well and my knees are bust and then the Latvian's friend crushed my elbow on it which'll bruise loads.

Shannon's friend Hayley was a pain, we were waiting for my mum and she was complaining that she wanted to go back to see this boy she fancies. I pointed out to her that if she went then I'd be left on my own outside with a huge group of polish men I don't know but she didn't see it that way.

Oh god. Sam was there. He has such a...unique....facial structure. I couldn't make proper eyecontact because I didn't want to stare.

I want to go back out with the Ex so much! argh!

Day 64/367

Two things made my day today.

1. I got told by my vauge friend she'd never heard people bitching about me. This is a complete surprise because the general rule is- the more you bitch the more you get bitched about.

2. Someone told me that in a discussion, this person who I thought regarded me as a mong said I was the most bangable in the whole English class because I have a 'good body'. (I'd eaten a crisp roll and a chocolate sundae and an easteregg for lunch so this made me feel very good)

I like the Ex again. I went on webcam to him for the first time in months. I didn't have a lot of makeup on but I looked OK. To add to his freaky poster collection he's got a picture of jumping dolphins and another one of puppies. I commented on this, but he wasn't too perplexed by my judging. Are puppies and dolphins normal for a testosterone-filled, sperm-filled, coming-on-19 year old guy?

When I was on webcam to him I did some stretching to show off my boobies in my tight top, careful not to lift my arms to reveal the 2-days-unwashed sweaty fuzz my underarms were harbouring. Why was I showing my boobies to this guy who has posters of puppies adorning his wall? I have no idea.

I'm a lot more masculine than him and I'm a completely different gender. It just doesn't make sense.

Day 63/367

Ugh. Can't be ersed with the Ex. Sometimes I just forget what a freaky shit he is. Ugh. He has a poster of two retriever puppies and lovehearts on his wall. Jacob has game posters, Cale has ninja drawings, Scott has naked women...it's just not normal.

Mum's away in England for her Masters couse so I watched Shawshank Redemption and ate a lot of shit. Making shortbreads at the moment and listening to Stepping Stone by Duffy which is a banging tune for what I feel at the moment. Ugh.

Day 62/367

That girl who I've mentioned before, the one who thinks she has huge tits was going on about them today. She said they were more than a handful. A B cup? Dude. You need 2 hands to hold one of mine, and its still not completely covered.

Today I was taking a dump and examining the Joop! advert. It's got a man with a yellow unzipped playsuit splashing into water. The yellow and blue contrasted good and it was certainly  eyecatching (as all Joop adverts are) but I wasn't going to have that creep looking at me wiping my erse.

I told the Ex I was going to get naked and wet. (I was showering). He said he didn't care. Fingers crossed that my text gave him a raging boner. And a spot of precum.

Day 61/367

I ate like a shit today.  I had sunday lunch of pork chops (ich but the gravy and potatos make up) and pudding. Then I indulged in a £3.50 Cosmo and a 240-calorie Galaxy cookie crumble.

I want the Ex. I want to hug him and kiss him and bone him and go out with him.

I didn't do my French essay so I'm in the shit for tomorrow. Ahh well. I bought some Impulse True Love bodyspray and handgel...mmm so thats just dandy. :)

Day 60/367

Ughh today was the showies. My calves, thighs, butt, back, ribs, and abdominal muscles ache SO MUCH and I've got a headache.

The showies were OK. It would be better if I went with more fun people (Hayley was well boring and didn't even talk to me and Shannon felt sick and didn't go on any rides [apart of Move It which is mental, like a giant waltzer that bounces up and down I fell over trying to get off it twice because I was so dizzy]

I ate food, watched Casualty, texted the Ex, talked to mum and went to bed. I texted him 'Ahh I love my bed!' and he mysteriously replied 'mhmm me too.'

He misses my bed?

Day 59/367

I got Sam's number today and sent him anonymus texts

Sam: So who are you?
Me: You're greatest fantasy in the shower
Sam: The honey monster O_O?
Me: So...you like them hairy?

I asked him if i could give into his nice tight butthole. I got a wrong-text from this guy saying 'Hey David you going bowling tonight?' and I said wrong text and they said 'whos this?' and I VERY STUPIDLY said Jen. Sam had borrowed someone elses phone. I'd been outsmarted by a freak.
I saw him in the corridor straight after too.
Oh dear.

I want to go back out with the Ex. I want him. I'd love him and be such a good girlfriend bringing him food and not complaining about the mindless, monotonous, nondescript sex.

Day 58/367

The Ex: I  just wanted to apologise for ignoring you for these last few months, I'm sorry

Holy crap. I can't stress how holy that crap is. It's like the same amount of holiness as the father of God who's gamete half made God himself.

I don't know what to do. Should I put him through all the pain I've suffered? One word answers and cold replies? Or should I talk, be sexy and potentially....go out with him again? He admitted that he didn't talk to me because he was afraid of falling in love with me again.

I did my French speaking test and only at the end realised I'd been staring at my French teacher's crotch for most of it. FML.

Beautiful-Eyes from Plenty of Fish added me on MSN...He doesn't know I'm 16. He's 22. I don't know what to say! Do adult people have different conversation styles to normal people? Argh!

I admitted my youth when he asked what age I was. I accidently slipped into writing all Shakespearian 'I hope you don't mind my tender youth'. Then I started typing like an illiterate. 'I never wouldv guesded you was 22 from your photays'.
I started talking about peeing loads.
Ugh.
Whats wrong with me...I havn't had a flirtatious conversation in about 3 years. I'm out of touch. Unskilled. Rusty. Tarnished. I did masterbate for the first time in quite a while though. And rubbed glittery moisturiser on my boobs....that's a start.

Day 53/367

Majorly pissed off. Loads of people underage got tickets to Mumford and Sons. And got on TV.

I am rich right now. My EMA money has finally come in! £120! So now I've got about £210 saved up for Canada, spent £20 of it on nailvarnish and eyeliner and glasses with about £15 left over in my normal account.

I feel really sad right now and cry-y. I miss the Ex like crazy...
So I put on facebook 'Is experiencing some very late heartbreak even though its like 4 months later' and *BLING* the Ex signed in on MSN. But hasn't talked. Please talk...I think I love you

Day 52/367

The lady at sound and vision said you had to be 16 to even GET IN to Mumford and Sons. This wasn't a problem for me but Eilidh and Shannon are both 15.

At lunchtime I forgot it was lunch and had this huge mindfuck of surprise that it was lunchtime and not hometime. 

I can't remember what happened today which is a complete arse. I keep missing and wanting the Ex.